Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
