I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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