Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
