i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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