I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
What a dumb baby whore.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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