put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
