He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
