I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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