went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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