Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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