i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize