i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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