it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
