A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
