dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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