It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
