I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
