He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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