Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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