dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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