you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
