I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
