It's a beautiful day for a hangover
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
