Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
