Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize