At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
