I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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