She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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