So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize