Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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