there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
