I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
