Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You are a genius and a whore.
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