i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
