its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
