I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
