How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
