I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am available for nakedness
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
