you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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