im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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