good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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