there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
