i think my tv is drunk
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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