I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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