i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
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