unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
