can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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