Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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