The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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