my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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