My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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