I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
