im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
