I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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