i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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