I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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